My childhood

Now that I’m a mother there are things in my past that I can assure myself that I’d never do. I’ll never ever make Harrison question my love for him. I’ll never ever do what my parents did to me. Ever.

I don’t really remember much of the time when my parents were together. I was really young. I just knew that dad got custody of us four girls and that we would see mom on the weekends. I never knew my mom had a problem with alcohol. This is what my father was protecting us from. We would go to my grandparents who lived in town and stay there, and then go back to my dads when he was off. All in all it worked out fine.

In 1993, my dad met someone on the Internet. This was before Facebook, msn, all that Jazz. They met role playing on a bbs system. She moved up and a month later they were married! Her name was Debbie. She brought with her Sarah and Doug, Craig would come later. I remember dad being so happy that warmed my heart. He had seen another women named Jackie but they didn’t work out. I was happy for him, and I gave her my devotion. I was just turning 9.

My step sister and I were the same age, so we had a joint birthday party, I remember rocking out to meatloaf (the singer) and being so proud to listen to mtv. My new family was with it. And then something changed. I don’t know when it did, but it did. You know how sometimes you wish you could go back in a time machine?? I wished I could have done a lot of things differently, but then I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Every time we did something wrong we had to kneel on the fireplace hearth. This could include using a washcloth, singing in the house, talking back, etc. We didn’t really talk back. This was just her way of having power over us.

Karla, my oldest sister got everything the worst. Sometimes she’d have to stay on there from when dad went to work to when he got home. Or she would have to stick a soother in her mouth every time she cried. One time she had a backpack full of encyclopedias and had to kneel on the grates. What did I do when she was getting it? I would laugh, because it wasn’t happening to me. I remember one time Debbie was hitting Karla, she was on the ground. Karla had her legs up to protect herself. Later on that night, Debbie came out with a pill jar with what we thought was an embryo. “You killed your baby brother or sister I hope your satisfied” she said to Karla. After suffering a miscarriage myself, I know that this is not possible now, but at the time I believed Debbie, and was so mad at Karla.

We had a soda mate machine. So I remember having a competition whoever got the most spiders in a jar got to have some soda. I just pretended I liked things so that she wouldn’t use them against me. I loved liver and onions so I would only get one portion 😛 anyways I pretended I liked those spiders. I remember Debbie dumping them on Karla so Karla would get over her fear…

Speaking of fears I had a dream about a grandmother like lady rocking on the toilet. To this day I still get the heebie jeebies. To get me over my fear they locked me in the washroom with the lights off. It was only till recently when I became a mother that I could welcome the darkness again.

She kept black books on each of us kids. Then she would read them to us. Most of the time they were not nice. I can’t imagine writing a black book on Harrison that just tells you how bat shit crazy she was. I remember drawing a picture of us holding hands, right up to the mini m&m dispenser. She was a really good Artist. She picked my picture apart, critiquing it. Another time I wrote my dad and step mom a poem about them being my shooting star. She tore that poem up when I was being disobedient but then taped it back together when I was being good. Whatever that meant. She constantly played mind games with us.

One time we had to do a boot camp. My step brother was the leader. We had to run down the streets singing cadence.

Were the the Krekoski’s on the track,

We have to run for talking back,

Learn to keep our mouth shut,

Before we get kicked in the butt,

Mom is angry so is dad,

Push-ups in the mud for being bad,

Round the corner and down the street,

We’d rather run then get beat!!

Sound off

I literally remember that shit and it happened when I was 14. I remember some guys at school looking at us in the park. I was embarrassed.

I remember having to deliver papers. Those free Saturday today’s and then the sun. Debbie came to me one night to go collecting, but it was already late so I didn’t think it was appropriate to knock on anyone’s door. She said that my dad works hard the least I could do was get him smoke And pepsi money. I went and cried at the park. I remember some boys from school seeing me cry. That was the last I ever got made fun of.

There was a time when me and Karla weren’t getting along. I don’t remember what it was about. Debbie had her son Doug cover my nose and mouth until Karla apologized. I passed out. When I came to I thought I was at my grandmas house on her linoleum. I was in hell 😦

Then there was the time Kristin and I were kicked out. We wanted to see Karla and the baby, so we were arguing with Debbie about that. She said get out. So we did. We ran like hell through the frog pond, to her friend Samantha’s and called my mom. She came to get us. I remember dad calling us saying we had to go back to the house because he had custody of us, so we did.

There was another fight we got into. A really bad one. We were fighting about this bean in a cup rule. If by the end of the week we had so many beans in our cup that was over the average, we couldn’t do anything. I remember my friend Hailey was having a birthday and I wanted to go so badly. My dad came up to me and lifted me up by the neck and pinned me. Told me to shut up about it. That was when I looked at my dad differently. He was always on the computer or at work when we got into trouble, so in my mind he wasn’t guilty. He was just as guilty as her for letting it happen.

Anyways I remember the fight carrying on? The hot water tank was broken so dad was fixing it. Or maybe I have it jumbled. Anyhow Kristin and I were arguing with Debbie, and she kicked Kristin out. She was going to the phone so I said what are you going to do call the police real snotty like. She came and pushed me to the ground. Oh how I howled in pain. Kristin and my dad came running in. My shoulder was dislocated and it popped back into place. She apologized and said that was the only time she crossed a line. She got me a hot water bottle from shoppers and I had to say it was a roller blading accident and stay home from school for a few days. Only my friends knew that I wasn’t allowed out of the backyard. So I confessed to them. They rallied around me.

It was different after that. I started cutting myself with a needle. My dad saw my hand. He was mad at me. I told them I wanted to move out. They held me down and belted me.

Then one day I was washing dishes. Debbie said I was threatening her with a knife?? I would never threaten her, I loved her. After that I knew I had to get out of there. So my friends took me to one of their houses at lunch. Dyed my hair and put in these butterfly clips. I went back to school and my step sister said to me ,”mom and dad are going to kill you.” I knew that. So I said I wasn’t going home, and I never did.

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